2 Months On Testosterone - HRT Update
I'm going through a lot... but I'm starting to feel like I'm getting to meet myself in the mirror. "Hey River... you got this".
Here I am... 2 months on testosterone. I'm not sure if I expected to be more excited, if I should be more excited, or if I'm exactly how I should be. Everything seems right in so many ways with my life right now and also things all seem so foreign and off. No matter how much I tried to button up everything before starting my transition, life throws it's mighty punches. That's the lesson it seems... to just ride the waves because they never stop coming.
At this point, I feel very comfortable doing my shots. The whole process of picking up my vials, making sure that I have the right syringes, and getting my appropriate dose are all very normal to me now. I still have to take a deep breath and steady myself each time I inject but I feel like I can own it now and that it is a part of my life. At the end of April, I have my check in appointment with my doctor where we'll go over my levels and make sure everything is on point. When it comes to my health, I think everything is going good. Hormone Replacement Therapy has done a great deal for me mentally, physically, and emotionally. At this point, I can say that I have no regrets and feel that it was 100% the right decision for me to start.
Back growth 2 months on testosterone
Upper body 2 months on testosterone
PHYSICAL CHANGES
As far as physical changes that I've notices lately, the main one is facial hair and body hair. The hair on my chin is coming in thicker and faster than ever before. I shave every 2 days now to maintain a smooth appearance. I would gladly grow it in, but it's not quite thick enough for me to feel comfortable with yet. I'm waiting until it's more prominent to grow it out. My upper lip comes in faster but it's not much darker or thicker than it was. I'm noticing some new hairs on my sideburn areas and from my eyebrow to my hair line.
My lower leg hair is starting to get much thicker and my upper leg hair is expanding. I've noticed more hair on the upper legs but it's fine. There is also more hair on my toes and feet which I could care less about but it's there. My stomach hair is widening out beyond the line below my belly button, but that still isn't as thick as I'd like it to be. There are some new hairs on my arms but that is very minimal.
I have noticed that my jawline and chin are definitely changing. To anyone else, they might not spot it but I see it. There are changes to the structure of my face which I'm really excited about. In addition to my face shape changing, my upper body shape is changing as well. I work out a lot and am dialed in as far as my nutrition. but this is beyond those effects. My clothes are fitting differently and I feel broader. My waist is starting to feel more solid and stronger. I'm hoping that this continues since my waist is my number one area that triggers me to feeling disconnected with my body.
As far as muscle development, I'm still experiencing gains consistently on a weekly basis in the gym. On the scale, my weight is slowly going up but I am doing a lot to contribute to that. My goal is to bulk and put on lean mass but in a slow and steady way. This has been difficult because my hunger is through the roof. I'd say that I get hungry almost every 2 hours, it's incredible how much I want to eat. I'm grateful that I am so healthy and have an extensive knowledge of how to feed my body whole food because if I didn't, I'd eat everything in sight. My legs have grown in just the past week. My quads are wider and fuller, I'm liking the appearance of having firmer legs.
Lastly, my voice is definitely changing and I couldn't be happier about that. My voice is my number 2 thing that sends me into the land of dysphoria. I struggle to stay present and in the moment when I speak because it sounds so wrong to me, but lately I've been feeling better about it. I can hear the pitch changing and many mornings I wake up sounding very froggy. For that, I'm grateful and can't wait to hear how it continues to change.
I love the way that my jaw is taking shape...
My chin is also squaring off...
MENTAL CHANGES
My mind has been very stable since starting HRT. I talk about it in almost every video update that I do because I am simply amazed with how much better I feel when it comes to my mental health. I've had no panic attacks, depressive episodes, random sobbing, self hatred induced anger, episodes of shame, or any of the other usual emotional flukes that were a normal part of my mental health. I have been level and it has been great. This has been the best part of starting T and takes the cake when it comes to changes. It has literally changed my life and I hope that I continue to stay on this calmer path.
For the first time since starting T, I cried. It happened the day before writing this post. It was a rough day and I was processing a lot of anxiety. I have been separated from my wife for almost 2 months now and some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not an easy day. I was cooking my dinner and leaned onto the counter and thought "I need to cry, I feel like I should cry". The tears were behind my eyes but it was like I had the choice to shed them or not. I paused and thought about it and decided to let some fall. They came out for about 10 seconds and then they were over. Just like that, I'd had my fill of crying. It wasn't in a cold way or in an unemotional way, they just didn't take control of me.
I've always been a pretty heavy crier. When the sobs come on, they come flooding over me. It's almost like someone pours a bucket of hot liquid through my blood and I feel every inch of me wash away with it. They are very taxing crying sessions and leave me exhausted. That hasn't been happening since starting hrt. I'm not chalking it all up to the hormones, but it has something to do with it. I'm glad to not have my body relying on that release anymore. I got to choose to cry and it was refreshing. I'm emotional over this separation, it's hard everyday to go through the way it makes me feel. The important thing is that my emotions are not taking control of me and highjacking my ability to live life in a healthy way.
Ride the waves, go with the current...
I surrendered a long time ago.
WRAPPING UP
We never know what tomorrow will bring. It's cliche, but it's so true. All I have is the here and now. With that, I'm doing my best and trying to stay in the present. It takes practice but it's important to me. I spent a long time being afraid to even be alive. It scared the shit out of me to know that I would wake up and feel like my soul was in chaos. I am grateful for how far I've come and feel blessed just to be here... to be alive - really alive and enjoying the act of being.
I think it's important to call my own bullshit sometimes and I've been portraying a pretty positive outlook lately. Whereas that is mostly true, I'm also scared. At the start of my transition, I had a supportive partner by my side and I though that we would get to go through this journey together. That didn't end up being the case. Even though our separation is for reasons outside of my gender transition (my spouse is completely supportive of it), this separation is part of my transition journey. It adds a layer to what I am going through... a very emotional one at that. For the first time in 8 years, I'm living without my significant other. For the first time in over 10 years, I'm living alone. These are huge changes that are now piled into this already change filled year ahead. It is important for me to document it because has an impact on how I feel, act, deal, and move forward.
Telling the truth is important when it comes to my story, so I want to try to open up more about what I'm going through in future posts. This is for the sole reason to show that transitioning isn't one big happy parade of changes... it's someone's life. I want to share the ups and downs, the struggles and the victories. I open up about these in depth in many of the vlogs that I do, so if you're interested in those visit that section of the blog or my YouTube channel. It is my hope that in opening up about my experiences and being vulnerable that I can help others in addition to better understanding myself.
Here's to 2 Months and Everything Ahead - Cheers
March 2017 - 2 Weeks on T
April 2017 - 2 Months on T
Many more posts to come. For more details and little bits of info, please watch my update videos either on the blog or on YouTube. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook for more frequent updates.
Thanks for joining me on this transition journey. Please feel free to leave a comment or browse the other sections of the blog. My goal in sharing my experiences is to provide personal information to anyone seeking out advice on gender transition, mental health, and wellness. People's personal stories have been a huge inspiration and source of information for me, I'd like to pay that forward. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments, or just need a sound board.
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